Monday, January 1, 2018


Dear A, 

I have always dreaded my birthdays the same way people would dread hearing bad news. I was never a fan of birthdays - at least not my own. It's not that I dread getting old. It's just that I dread celebrating a day which I consider mundane. I do not really care about celebrating life, because I treat life indifferently. Life is life, and soon it will be gone. To me, my birthday is nothing but an ordinary day. 

And so, the dreaded day came. And you came with it. Unexpectedly. Yes, I have known you for months prior, but to me, you were just someone that I've locked eyes with and exchanged smiles with from a distance a few times. And yes, there was that one night in June when we talked at a party but that was when I've already had one too many drink. I was giddy and chatty and not exactly in my best state. Yet, you stayed and listened to me ramble on incessantly. That night, we got to know each other briefly - just the basics, but I forgot the details because they were blurry. So what transpired next were nothing short of unexpected. 

You, together with your revelations, came as a surprise on my birthday. You said things that were nice to hear. You told me how you felt about me. You made me feel special. I felt some uncertainty yet there was a voice in my head that was telling me to give it a try - to give us a try, because you were different. You were different in a way that you never looked at me the same way other men did; they looked at me with intentions far from pure. Unlike the others, you never made a move on me. Every word you uttered to me made your intentions clear: commitment - something that the others didn’t want. Something that I didn’t even wish for at the time, yet you were giving it to me. You were different that way and I was thankful for that. 

And so I followed that voice in my head, despite the other voices that were telling me otherwise. Despite the doubts that I had, not about you, but about myself. Despite the many challenges and struggles that I was anticipating. Despite every rational bone in my body that was telling me, and even screaming “no”. 

I gave you a chance and now I am scared. I have never been this scared in my entire life before. Not ever since I promised myself that I would never let myself go through again what I went through in the past: the dilemmas, the heartaches, the pain, the tears, and every terrible ordeal that I had to deal with because of love. I promised myself that I would not go through that again and here I am breaking that promise, and I am so so scared. I do not know what to do at this point. I’m already in too deep and there is no turning back now. If there’s one thing I have learned recently, that is to stand by every decision you make whether it is right or wrong. 

 You were different. For only you have made, and continue to make, me feel happy and scared and anxious and alive all at the same time.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Re-post: Kapag Nakita Mo Na Sya

"Kapag nakita mo na sya, wag ka magtaka kung di ka kaagad nya makikala
Kung ano ang naramdaman mong kilig, baka iyon naman ang naramdaman n’yang inis
Kung paano mo siya titigan, baka ganun ka lang din nya lagpasan, balewalain at hindi pansinin

Kung gaano kabilis ang tibok ng puso mo nung nakita mo siya, baka ganun din kabilis ang pag-alis niya
At sigurado ako itataboy ka nya palayo
Kapag nangyari ‘yun, wag mo sana isiping wala ng pag-asa
Siguro sanay na lang din talaga syang mag-isa
At sa hinaba-haba ng panahon ng pag-iisa niya, iniisip nya na hindi na nya kelangan ng iba
Ng isang katulad mo na maaring magdala sa kanya sa ibang mundo

Marahil ganyan ang turo sa kanya ng buhay at pag-ibig
Ang damhin ang lahat ng sakit, ang tanggapin ang anumang ibato ng buhay
Ang palayain ang lahat ng emosyon hanggang sa wala na syang muling maramdaman pa
Kaya’t kapag nakita mo na siya, hindi na siya naniniwala sa paghiling sa mga bulalakaw
Hindi na siya namamangha sa mahika ng buwan at mga bituin
O sa kung ano mang pwersa ng uniberso na maaring magtulak sa kanya patungo sa ‘yo
Hindi na siya naniniwala sa anu mang salita na nilikha ng pag-ibig
Hindi na siya naniniwala sa pag-ibig
Kapag nakita mo na siya, baka ang tanging papel na lang ng puso nya ay ang panatilihin syang buhay
Baka tumitibok na lamang ito para padaluyin ang dugo sa katawan nya
Dahil kapag nakita mo na sya, hindi na nya alam ang pakiramdam ng magmahal at ng mahalin, ng arugain at yakapin
Ngunit wag kang mag-alala, dahil mukha lang naman ng pag-ibig ang nakalimutan nya
At ipaaalala mo ito sa kanya

Wag kang magsasawang ipaalala sa kanya kung gaano sya kaganda
Wag kang titigil sabihin sa kanyang mahal mo sya kahit na sa bawat pagbanggit mo sa salitang 'mahal kita' ay pait at sakit ang naaalala nya
Wag kang titigil na sabihin ito sa kanya hanggang sa maalala niya na sa likod ng bawat pait ay may tamis
Sa likod ng bawat sakit ay may ligayang dulot ang mga salitang 'mahal kita'
At kung saktan ka man ng mga salita niya, gantihan mo ito ng yakap
Kung magpumiglas siya, hatakin mo siya pabalik at yakapin ulit
Kung paulit-ulit siyang umalis, paulit ulit mo rin syang habulin
Kung paulit-ulit siyang bumitaw, paulit-ulit mo rin syang hawakan

Pakiusap, wag na wag mo siyang bibitawan
Wag na wag mo siyang pakakawalan
Ipaalala mo sa kanya na minsan rin siyang naniwala sa paghiling sa mga bulalakaw
Na minsan na rin syang namangha sa mahika ng buwan at mga bituin
Na minsan din siyang naniwala sa mga salitang nilikha ng pag-ibig
Na minsan din siyang naniwala sa pag-ibig
Ipakita mo sa kanya ang bagong mukha ng pag-ibig
Pakiusap, wag na wag mo siyang susukuan
Hanggang sa maisip niya, na ang pag-iisa ay mayroon ding hangganan"

by Maimai Cantillano

Sunday, July 2, 2017


I can't remember the last time that I cried because of something that directly happened to me. I can't remember how it felt to cry because something bad or unfortunate happened to me. The last time that I cried was about ten minutes ago and it is because of this TV series that I was watching. I cried because it made me felt things.

Very recently, there was someone who confessed his feelings for me. He was a really nice guy. He was a gentleman, kind, and very patient, and the type of guy one would feel bad about hurting. I rejected him and I didn't regret it, however, I felt really bad that I hurt him. 

Weird thing is I rejected him because I didn't want to be attached to anyone. I can still vaguely remember the last time that I was emotionally attached to another human being, and there were good sides and bad sides to it. I cannot remember the good sides. All I can remember are the bad ones. And I did not like it. And somehow, knowing that I do not like being attached to someone kinda scares me.

It is human nature to constantly look for a companion. To find someone to be with. To find someone who would be with us through thick and thin. Yet, here I am moving against that human nature by slowly cutting all ties that I have with other humans. I hate the feeling of dependency. I do not want to depend on another person and feeling as if I won't thrive without them. I do not want other people causing my happiness or loneliness. I resent the feeling of being tied down to someone and being restricted. Attachment feels like imprisonment for me, and I need my freedom as trees need oxygen to live. Attachments and commitments tend to suffocate me, and nobody really likes the feeling of being suffocated. 

Yes, I have my family and friends, but I think I can get by just co-existing with them without having any emotional attachment. I want to be able to go freely to wherever I want to go without the thought of leaving them haunting me. 

It's been half a year since I started cutting emotional ties with people. It started out as an excruciatingly difficult task but it becomes easier the more people I metaphorically eliminate in my circle. It has been half a year since I started closing my walls to everyone and I haven't shed a tear since. The only tears I shed were because of things as mundane as TV shows, movies, and books. I like crying because of these little things because somehow, they remind me that I am still human. That I am not a spineless creature incapable of emotions. I am just someone who is protecting her own.