Monday, February 27, 2017

Realizations of a Nomad by Heart

Two weeks ago, I went on a ten-day solo backpacking trip heading to the North of Luzon. My schedule and the provinces I was going to visit were carefully planned. My itineraries were not. I just made them up as I went along.

You see, I just got out of a six-year relationship with my job and recently cut ties with some toxic people in my life. It was tough getting both out of my system. They were both not unlike bad habits that were hard to break. It was tough because in both aspects of my life, I was leaving my comfort zone.

I did not know what I wanted to achieve on my solo trip. Initially, I just felt like I needed a break from all the toxicity in my life, and going on a solo backpacking trip seemed like a good idea. I never imagined that I would gain so much from the experience. 

I got to try new stuff for the first time, like jumping off a cliff. I was never afraid of heights but jumping into deep waters, plunging into the unknown, was something that I found a little bit scary and I conquered that. I also rekindled my love for things that I have already tried. Like surfing. There's simply nothing like the rush that you feel when you're riding a wave. You have to try it to understand what I mean. Now, it's starting to become one of my favorite sports.

I got to see and discover new places. For quite some time now, I've been wanting to go to a certain places. I had the means to it but there was something holding me back; be it my schedule, conflicts with other activities, or some people. Because I was on my own, there was nothing to hold me back. I went wherever I wanted to go and I didn't have any regrets.

I got to meet new people. I got to hear their life stories, which made me realize that a lot of people have struggles far worse than my own and that I still have a lot to be thankful for. I got to hear their stories of suffering and survival, which made me admire them for their resilience. Their stories touched my heart. I also made new friends with the fellow travelers that I have met.

Speaking of people... I learned more about people, in general. That there are people who will use you and treat you differently once they know that they no longer get anything from you. Those are the people we need to stay away from. That there are people who change for the worst. Those are the people who are in dire need of help. We can only try and do so much but if all else fails, then it is best to let them go. That there are people whom, regardless of the short amount of time you've known them, can make you feel at ease. Those are the people who could potentially be a bigger part of our lives. That there are people who will choose to hear your side before giving you any judgment and accept you for who you are. Those are simply good people that we should never let go of. I learned that the people around us, while we may not be able to change them if we want to, still have the power to change, influence, and affect us. It is just up to us on how we will react. 

I got to make new memories. About half of the places I visited during my trip were places that I have been to before with some people in my past. There were not-so-good memories in there and I am glad that I returned to those places because I got to replace those memories with far far better ones. Now, these places are on my list of favorites.

I learned so many things during those ten days. But the most important takeaway that I got from this experience is that I learned that I can only go so far as I let myself. I learned that how far I can go is entirely up to me, and that the limits and boundaries that I have are only the ones that I have set for myself.

They say that traveling enables us to learn and discover more about the world and the people around us. But more than that, traveling enables us to learn and discover more about ourselves.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Two Letters

Dear you,

I already said what needs to be said. Again, just don't. Do not act as if you understand how I feel or what I am going through right now. Because you do not. You, of all people, do not have the right to empathize with me especially when you are a part of what's causing me pain. It is not your fault and you were never the one to blame, but stop defending the one who is. No matter what you say, nothing will ever make his actions right. Do not add insult to injury by apologizing on his behalf and explaining his side. Do not encourage cowardice by defending his actions. Only he can be held accountable for what he has done. 

So again, do not wish for us to be civil with one another. Do not make such requests. You have no right to do so, or to ask that from me. Maybe in time. 

And you,

After all that you have done to me and after all that I have done for you, you have no right to be angry at me. I am entitled to act based on how I feel because of what you did. Stop being immature and putting the blame on me. Accept that you were the one at fault. Accept your mistakes. Accept that you were one selfish and insensitive person who only cares about himself. 

I don't hate you but I resent what you did. I only hope for your own sake that you will not do the same to others.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

My Last Words to My Almost

I love you. There, I said it. I love you. I love you in every sense of the word. I loved you before. I loved you from that very first night. And I still love you up until now.

I love your wit. I love your humor. I love how you never fail to make me laugh and I love that I could do the same for you. I love your laugh and I love hearing it. I love listening to you talk about your passions. I love how passionate you are about the things you do. 

I am sorry. For those times that I have made you angry and uncomfortable, I am so sorry. I am sorry that this had to happen to us. I am sorry that we had to drift apart. For quite some time, I thought you were the one. I envisioned our future together, still doing what we are most passionate about. I imagined us traveling to places we both have never been. I envisioned us, hand in hand, reaching more summits together. I even saw myself leaving the city, my comfort zone, just to be with you. Yes, I understood that you were not ready for a commitment because you said so yourself. I respected that, yet I imagined that when the time comes that you would be ready, it would be with me. That I would be the one. And apparently, I was very much mistaken. And there is nothing I can do but to accept that and move on.

At this point, I want to thank you. Thank you for the adventures that you took me on. Thank you for listening to my stories, rants, and raves. Thank you for helping me realize my hopes and dreams. Thank you for the times that you made me smile and laugh. Thank you for those times that you were there for me when I felt like nobody else was. Thank you for being my support system. Thank you for believing in me when I was losing confidence in myself. Thank you for letting me into your world and for existing in mine.

I just want to tell you that I will be okay. Right now, I am trying to get my life together. I am at a most vulnerable point where I am letting go of all my comfort zones one by one: my job, the city, you. You have been there for me when I needed someone to talk to because you made me feel that I could tell you anything. At some point last year, I even felt as if my day would not be complete without talking to you. I miss talking to you, but I guess I have to get used to it. I am going through a difficult time with all the changes happening in my life and it sucks that I cannot tell you about it. But I will be okay. Maybe not that soon, but eventually I will be.

I hope that one day we will find ourselves back in each other's lives with all the bitterness gone, and just the sweet memories left. I know that at some point, we both made each other happy. You said yourself that you want to remain friends with me. Believe me when I say that I want the same thing, but not now. Definitely not now when I am still hurting and the wounds are still fresh. I need more time.

Yes, you have hurt me and caused me so much pain, and I am still mad at you, but this too shall pass. Know that I could never ever hate you, and I could never hold a grudge against you. And know that I wish you nothing but success in your endeavors and happiness in life.