Tuesday, May 1, 2018

I Give Up

For more than a decade now, I rejected the concept of religion because I like to think that I am in control of my live. Religion dictates that there is a higher being who controls everything that is going on around us. That if something happens, whether good or bad, it is because there is a higher being who willed it to. I like to think that whatever happens to me is an effect of whatever I did in the past. I like to think that my actions will always have consequences and outcomes that only these actions can dictate. In short, I like to be in control.

I am an atheist not because I hated religion or anything like that. I never hated the concept of a higher being or higher power. I am an atheist because I simply think that there is a logical answer for everything and anything. I am an atheist because I believe in science and everything that it proves. I never hated religion, nor the concept of it. I simply rejected it. Rejecting something is different from hating it. I was never a bad person. It's just that I kept seeking for answers that are logical and that can be seen, heard, touch, or felt. It's just that I never believed in anything intangible. 

I'd like to think that I am a strong person. That I am resilient. That I am a ship that can weather any storm that comes my way. In my mind I was so strong that I led myself to believe that I can handle anything. That I can control everything. That I am too strong to give up. But I was wrong. I cannot control everything that happens to me. I cannot control the people around me. I cannot control certain events or situations. I can only control as much and simply pray for the things that I cannot.

And now, for once in my life I am giving up. I am not giving up hope but I am giving up control over my life and over my destiny. For the first time in more than a decade, I am giving it up to Him.


"Be encouraged if you are in the middle of a dark night. The dawn is coming - either in this life or in heaven! In the mean time, don't give up hope but keep watching for the deliverance of the Lord. He will be faithful."

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Tapos

Hindi lahat ng magandang kuwento ng pag-ibig ay itinadhana upang magtagal. Isa na dun ang kwento natin. 

Nakilala kita sa isang punto ng buhay ko kung saan ako ay tunay na masaya at kuntento. Nag-iisa lang ako at tinanggap ko na magiging mag-isa lang ako habang buhay, pero masaya ako. Masaya ako dahil alam kong hangga’t mag-isa ako, hindi ako masasaktan. Para sa akin, ang pag-ibig ay isang konsepto na wala sa mundo ko. Dahil alam kong ang pag-ibig at ako ay hinding hindi magkakasundo.

Gayon pa man ay dumating ka sa aking buhay nang hindi inaasahan. Dumating ka kasama ang iyong mga pangako na nababalot ng mga matatamis na salita. Dumating ka at dinala mong muli ang pag-ibig sa mundo ko. Nung una natakot ako, ngunit tinulungan mo akong alisin ang takot. At tuluyan na nga akong nahulog sa iyo. 

Naging masaya tayo sa piling ng isa’t isa. Andun ang mga tawanan, kwentuhan, at ang mga gabing naglalakad nang lasing sa kalsada. Andun yung mga oras na nasa dagat tayo at nag-ssurf. Andun yung mga araw na dinadayo mo ako tuwing hindi kita mapuntahan. Kahit sa mga araw na magkalayo tayo ay napapasaya mo ako. Tuwing kasama kita, pakiramdam ko “I’m home.” For me, you are my home.

Ngunit madami din tayong araw na puno ng away at alitan, dahil sadyang hindi tayo perpekto at pareho tayong tao lamang na nagkakamali. Hindi kalaunan ay mas masami na yung mga araw na nag-aaway tayo kesa sa mga araw na tayo ay masaya. At dumating na sa punto na hindi na tayo masaya. Hindi ka na masaya. 

Tulad ng lahat ng bagay, ang pag-ibig natin ay dumating ba sa pagwawakas. Masakit. Sobrang sakit. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na mahal na mahal pa kita. Alam kong huli na ang lahat para ibalik ang nakaraan, pero kung bibigyan lang ako ng pagkakataon ay aayusin ko ang lahat. 

Dumating na sa pagwawakas ang kwento natin, na may halong lungkot at saya. Salamat. Salamat sa bawat araw at gabi na tayo ay magkasama. Salamat sa mga tawanan, inuman, kwentuhan, at kung ano ano pa. Salamat sa mga surf lessons, sa walang sawang pagpapasensya, at sa bawat alon na kasama kita. Salamat sa mga ngiti na idinulot mo. Salamat sa bawat pagkakataong sinagip mo ako tuwing pakiramdam ko ay nalulunod na ako sa alon ng buhay. Salamat sa mga ala-ala. Salamat sa pagmamahal. Salamat sa pagkakaibigang ipinakita at patuloy na ipinapakita mo sa akin. Salamat dahil sa kabila ng lahat ng nangyari sa'tin ay nariyan ka pa din para sa akin.

Malaya ka na. Ngunit hindi sa pagtatapos ng kwento natatapos ang pagmamahal. At palaging mong tatandaan na sakaling magbago ang isip mo, andito lang ako.

Monday, January 1, 2018

October

Dear A, 

I have always dreaded my birthdays the same way people would dread hearing bad news. I was never a fan of birthdays - at least not my own. It's not that I dread getting old. It's just that I dread celebrating a day which I consider mundane. I do not really care about celebrating life, because I treat life indifferently. Life is life, and soon it will be gone. To me, my birthday is nothing but an ordinary day. 

And so, the dreaded day came. And you came with it. Unexpectedly. Yes, I have known you for months prior, but to me, you were just someone that I've locked eyes with and exchanged smiles with from a distance a few times. And yes, there was that one night in June when we talked at a party but that was when I've already had one too many drink. I was giddy and chatty and not exactly in my best state. Yet, you stayed and listened to me ramble on incessantly. That night, we got to know each other briefly - just the basics, but I forgot the details because they were blurry. So what transpired next were nothing short of unexpected. 

You, together with your revelations, came as a surprise on my birthday. You said things that were nice to hear. You told me how you felt about me. You made me feel special. I felt some uncertainty yet there was a voice in my head that was telling me to give it a try - to give us a try, because you were different. You were different in a way that you never looked at me the same way other men did; they looked at me with intentions far from pure. Unlike the others, you never made a move on me. Every word you uttered to me made your intentions clear: commitment - something that the others didn’t want. Something that I didn’t even wish for at the time, yet you were giving it to me. You were different that way and I was thankful for that. 

And so I followed that voice in my head, despite the other voices that were telling me otherwise. Despite the doubts that I had, not about you, but about myself. Despite the many challenges and struggles that I was anticipating. Despite every rational bone in my body that was telling me, and even screaming “no”. 

I gave you a chance and now I am scared. I have never been this scared in my entire life before. Not ever since I promised myself that I would never let myself go through again what I went through in the past: the dilemmas, the heartaches, the pain, the tears, and every terrible ordeal that I had to deal with because of love. I promised myself that I would not go through that again and here I am breaking that promise, and I am so so scared. I do not know what to do at this point. I’m already in too deep and there is no turning back now. If there’s one thing I have learned recently, that is to stand by every decision you make whether it is right or wrong. 

You were different. For only you have made, and continue to make, me feel happy and scared and anxious and alive all at the same time.