Monday, November 7, 2016

Almost

Dear you,

When I first met you, I never imagined the impact that you would have on my life. For all I knew, you were just a friend of a friend that I met at an event. Even before we met, I already knew about you. We share the same passion so I knew that our paths were bound to cross sooner or later. I just never imagined that you would matter a lot.

When you first showed interest, I was surprised. Why? I do not know. I just did not see myself as someone who would catch your interest. No, I am not flattering myself. It is just that it was something unexpected.

Then I got to know you on the surface. The basics: where you live, what you do, etcetera. Then our conversations grew from sometimes to often. I found that you were witty to talk to and that you seem to know a lot of things. Our conversations were never boring. You made me laugh.

Then we had the chance to hang out several times. Those moments were just like our conversations; they were never boring. We always had something to talk about. It was as if everything you said drew my attention. Correction. It was as if everything you said commanded my attention and I willingly surrendered. You never failed to make me laugh. 

You were quite touchy. We held hands during the first time we hung out. You used to put your arms around my shoulders a lot. I guess I did not mind that. A friend called that fact out one time and told me that I should not let you. I shrugged it off. It was not as if I was physically putting myself out there. It was just that, as someone who does not talk about her feelings a lot, I always use touch to show a person how much I care. And mind you, I usually hate people touching me so if I so much as give someone a brief hug, then that means that they earned it. I guess Physical Touch is my love language.

August. I came to visit you at that place you so dearly love. The way you talked about it - it was as if it was magical. And I wanted to experience that for myself. Yes, I have been there a couple of times prior to visiting but I enjoyed neither of those trips. True enough, you showed me what a magical place it is. It was one of the most memorable out-of-town trips I ever took. I had a pang in my heart when I left.

But soon enough, that pang went away when I saw you again a week after. What came next was probably one of the most enjoyable months I ever had. Still August. We went through an ordeal that I never imagined going through with someone I had known briefly. I was worried and anxious all the time. I expected going through it all alone. It was stressful and tough emotionally, yet you were there for me. You have been there for me more than anyone else had ever been. I appreciated you for that. In between those days that we were worrying, there were lighthearted moments. We ran, we talked, we laughed, we went on road trips and food trips. We ran a lot. We talked some more and laughed some more. I learned more about you every single day that we were together. I was happy. You made me happy. 

September came and I knew that you were leaving soon. You were going home. Yes, you grew up in the South but I know that the North is your home. As much I wanted you to stay, I would never ask you to. I could never take you away from your home. From the place that held your heart. September was a dull month. We talked a lot over social media and kept ourselves updated with each other's lives. I never asked you to but I am glad that you did. September was drawing to a close and that was when you decided to end it. Whatever this was. I did not want to, but I could not stop you.

October. I thought it was going to be a lonely month. Even though you said that we would stop whatever this was, we kept on communicating. Yes, it was not as often as it used to be but I was thankful that I still got to talk to you. You may not watch How I Met Your Mother but there is one line there that will always my favorite: "When I let a day go by without talking to you, that day is just no good." That single line very much describes how I feel for the very few people who matter to me. Very few, that the number does not exceed the number of fingers that I have on both hands. And I guess this line also applies to you. I thought October was going to be lonely, until you agreed to let me visit again. I kept counting down the days and I thought that the month-end could not come any faster. I would not go into the details of that trip but I found it enjoyable. However, it ended badly. All because I screwed up for doing something that I should never have done in the first place.

I do not know what came over me when I did it. I do not know if you can truly understand how I feel or where I am coming from. I guess ever since August, I was seeking for validation. Validation of what this is. Validation of something that I knew from the start was never bound to happen. You said it yourself. I should have lost all hope back then yet I did not. Maybe because I was taught never to give up if I wanted something so badly. I am a fighter. It is in my personality and you know that very well.

A challenge posted itself when I learned about her. You know who I am talking about. I felt threatened. I became jealous when I had no right to be. I became insecure knowing how close she was to you, in terms of proximity, and knowing the history that you had together. I knew that I would break the moment you gave someone what I wanted from you. I guess that is the reason why I did it. I am sorry for what I did but I could never apologize for the way I felt. I can only apologize for how I acted based on what I felt. And I could not stress this enough, but I am truly, sincerely, and regretfully sorry.

To tell you honestly, I miss you. A lot. I miss our conversations about anything under the sun. I miss our exchanges of random corny jokes. I miss receiving your selfies with whatever you are doing at the moment. I miss the exchanges of Emojis. I miss your friendship.

I do not know where to start fixing things, but I hope that this is a start somehow. You asked for an explanation. You asked me why I did it and here is the answer in all the honesty I can ever give. I know that our friendship is worth fixing and I hope that you will give me that chance. I will do whatever it takes to earn your friendship and your trust again. I promise that I will not screw it up.

Just give me that chance. I hope you will.

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