Saturday, November 4, 2017

Re-post: Kapag Nakita Mo Na Sya

"Kapag nakita mo na sya, wag ka magtaka kung di ka kaagad nya makikala
Kung ano ang naramdaman mong kilig, baka iyon naman ang naramdaman n’yang inis
Kung paano mo siya titigan, baka ganun ka lang din nya lagpasan, balewalain at hindi pansinin

Kung gaano kabilis ang tibok ng puso mo nung nakita mo siya, baka ganun din kabilis ang pag-alis niya
At sigurado ako itataboy ka nya palayo
Kapag nangyari ‘yun, wag mo sana isiping wala ng pag-asa
Siguro sanay na lang din talaga syang mag-isa
At sa hinaba-haba ng panahon ng pag-iisa niya, iniisip nya na hindi na nya kelangan ng iba
Ng isang katulad mo na maaring magdala sa kanya sa ibang mundo

Marahil ganyan ang turo sa kanya ng buhay at pag-ibig
Ang damhin ang lahat ng sakit, ang tanggapin ang anumang ibato ng buhay
Ang palayain ang lahat ng emosyon hanggang sa wala na syang muling maramdaman pa
Kaya’t kapag nakita mo na siya, hindi na siya naniniwala sa paghiling sa mga bulalakaw
Hindi na siya namamangha sa mahika ng buwan at mga bituin
O sa kung ano mang pwersa ng uniberso na maaring magtulak sa kanya patungo sa ‘yo
Hindi na siya naniniwala sa anu mang salita na nilikha ng pag-ibig
Hindi na siya naniniwala sa pag-ibig
Kapag nakita mo na siya, baka ang tanging papel na lang ng puso nya ay ang panatilihin syang buhay
Baka tumitibok na lamang ito para padaluyin ang dugo sa katawan nya
Dahil kapag nakita mo na sya, hindi na nya alam ang pakiramdam ng magmahal at ng mahalin, ng arugain at yakapin
Ngunit wag kang mag-alala, dahil mukha lang naman ng pag-ibig ang nakalimutan nya
At ipaaalala mo ito sa kanya

Wag kang magsasawang ipaalala sa kanya kung gaano sya kaganda
Wag kang titigil sabihin sa kanyang mahal mo sya kahit na sa bawat pagbanggit mo sa salitang 'mahal kita' ay pait at sakit ang naaalala nya
Wag kang titigil na sabihin ito sa kanya hanggang sa maalala niya na sa likod ng bawat pait ay may tamis
Sa likod ng bawat sakit ay may ligayang dulot ang mga salitang 'mahal kita'
At kung saktan ka man ng mga salita niya, gantihan mo ito ng yakap
Kung magpumiglas siya, hatakin mo siya pabalik at yakapin ulit
Kung paulit-ulit siyang umalis, paulit ulit mo rin syang habulin
Kung paulit-ulit siyang bumitaw, paulit-ulit mo rin syang hawakan

Pakiusap, wag na wag mo siyang bibitawan
Wag na wag mo siyang pakakawalan
Ipaalala mo sa kanya na minsan rin siyang naniwala sa paghiling sa mga bulalakaw
Na minsan na rin syang namangha sa mahika ng buwan at mga bituin
Na minsan din siyang naniwala sa mga salitang nilikha ng pag-ibig
Na minsan din siyang naniwala sa pag-ibig
Ipakita mo sa kanya ang bagong mukha ng pag-ibig
Pakiusap, wag na wag mo siyang susukuan
Hanggang sa maisip niya, na ang pag-iisa ay mayroon ding hangganan"

by Maimai Cantillano

Sunday, July 2, 2017


I can't remember the last time that I cried because of something that directly happened to me. I can't remember how it felt to cry because something bad or unfortunate happened to me. The last time that I cried was about ten minutes ago and it is because of this TV series that I was watching. I cried because it made me felt things.

Very recently, there was someone who confessed his feelings for me. He was a really nice guy. He was a gentleman, kind, and very patient, and the type of guy one would feel bad about hurting. I rejected him and I didn't regret it, however, I felt really bad that I hurt him. 

Weird thing is I rejected him because I didn't want to be attached to anyone. I can still vaguely remember the last time that I was emotionally attached to another human being, and there were good sides and bad sides to it. I cannot remember the good sides. All I can remember are the bad ones. And I did not like it. And somehow, knowing that I do not like being attached to someone kinda scares me.

It is human nature to constantly look for a companion. To find someone to be with. To find someone who would be with us through thick and thin. Yet, here I am moving against that human nature by slowly cutting all ties that I have with other humans. I hate the feeling of dependency. I do not want to depend on another person and feeling as if I won't thrive without them. I do not want other people causing my happiness or loneliness. I resent the feeling of being tied down to someone and being restricted. Attachment feels like imprisonment for me, and I need my freedom as trees need oxygen to live. Attachments and commitments tend to suffocate me, and nobody really likes the feeling of being suffocated. 

Yes, I have my family and friends, but I think I can get by just co-existing with them without having any emotional attachment. I want to be able to go freely to wherever I want to go without the thought of leaving them haunting me. 

It's been half a year since I started cutting emotional ties with people. It started out as an excruciatingly difficult task but it becomes easier the more people I metaphorically eliminate in my circle. It has been half a year since I started closing my walls to everyone and I haven't shed a tear since. The only tears I shed were because of things as mundane as TV shows, movies, and books. I like crying because of these little things because somehow, they remind me that I am still human. That I am not a spineless creature incapable of emotions. I am just someone who is protecting her own.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Le Coucher Du Soleil

I sat on the sand, digging my toes in it, as I watched the sky change colors from light blue to yellow orange to red orange to purple, with each shade becoming more and more intense until it finally becomes dark. And as the sun set, I felt melancholy wash over me. 

I have always loved watching sunsets because I love how beautiful they always are, regardless of where I'm watching it from. I also love how sunsets can bring out so many different emotions in me. If I was having a good day, then watching the sunset tends to bring out desolation in me as I would feel sorry to see that day end. If I was having a bad day, the sunset tends to make me feel relieved that the day is finally over. Sunsets also have that effect on me wherein I tend to reflect on what transpired the whole day. 

Sunsets are always bittersweet. For one, they symbolize endings. Endings to a day, a good one or otherwise. In my lifetime, the majority of goodbye's that I bid, temporary and permanent, happened as the sun was setting. Not that it was my intention as they were purely coincidences. And as sunsets happen, they bring out the darkness. Darkness, which symbolizes uncertainty and the unknown - something that humans commonly fear, whether they admit it or not. 

Sunsets are bittersweet because while they symbolize endings, they also signal the coming of another day - a new one. A new day for new chances and new opportunities. A new day for a fresh start. A new day to forget the previous day's mishaps and a promise to make this one better than the last. And quoting my favorite TV series, "new is always better".

But what I love the most about sunsets is that they give a whole new perspective on endings. The sunset is the universe's way of telling us that not all endings are sad, and that some endings can be beautiful too. 

Thursday, June 8, 2017


There are places that we cannot help but fall in love with. Those places that upon setting foot on their grounds, we know that it's a place we can call home. Those places that we never want to leave and when we do, we can't help but feel a pang in our hearts. Those places that we never tire of visiting and we keep coming back to.

In my case, La Union, was one of them. I don't exactly know what it is but there is something about eLyU, as it fondly called, that makes me hold it dear in my heart. 

No, it wasn't the beach there because it is only good for surfing and nothing else. I've been to several beaches in the Philippines alone and the beach there was easily not the most beautiful one I've visited. Whenever it is surfing season, the waves can get as high as six feet and the currents can be so strong which may be scary and dangerous at times. For non-surfers, you get the risk of getting hit by surfboards when frolicking near the shores. When the sea is flat, jellyfish flock the shallow waters which is also dangerous. I've seen lots of tourists who got stung by jellyfish and it ain't pretty. So no, it wasn't the beach.

No, it was also not the climate there because it is pretty much the same as the climate in Manila. Even if it is located in the Northern part of the country, it can get really hot there. But it gets worse. Because there were no tall buildings nor tall trees to provide some shade, it can be such a struggle to find refuge from the scorching sun. So no, it wan't the climate.

No, it was not the food there. Don't get me wrong, but I love food-tripping in eLyU but the restaurants there can get really pricey. If you want to spend little on food, you can eat at hole-in-the-wall type of food places but you get nothing special from their dishes. Just the typical Filipino or Ilocano home-cooked meals. So no, it wasn't the food.

Looking back at all my trips to eLyU, I realized that all the fun and memorable moments I had at that place were all with people that I have met there. That solo hike to Tangadan Falls with this guide who proudly told me that he was the guide when the local TV show Byahe ni Drew came to eLyU. Those two nights I spent having a conversation with this guy whom eventually became a good friend. Those surfing lessons with locals who welcomed me into their family and treated me as one of their own. That bonfire drinking session on the beach with a fellow tourist who told me about her life and opened up to me about her worries and insecurities. That weekend spent with a fellow female solo-traveler who has the same passion that I have for saving the environment and basically just doing some good in the world. Those nights partying with fellow tourists, some Filipinos and some foreigners, who, albeit our drunken states, shared their travel stories with me. It is the people that I have met there, both locals and tourists, that made me fall in love with eLyU. Because everyone who came there seems to have a story that they were all too willing to share, no matter how good or bad it was. Because everyone who came there seems to have done so for a reason, and the way I see it, it was either they were running away from something or they were chasing a dream that they have found there.

For me, it was both. When I first visited eLyU this year, I was running away from my life in the city. Not that I could run away from it forever. But it gave me a temporary escape. I quit my job because I was sick of it. I let go of some people in my life because I needed to. When I was there, my employment status, my responsibilities at home, my toxic relationships - all them seemed far away. All them didn't seem to matter. After that, I kept coming back to eLyU, but the trips that followed weren't to run away from my real life. It was to chase a dream. The dream of living near the ocean. The dream of waking up in the wee hours of the morning to catch some waves and to be able to do that every single day. The dream of finally being in a place that I could call home, because for me eLyU is home. Whenever I'm there, it was as if I'm living my dreams and my trips back to Manila where horrible wake-up calls. And then I'd end up spending the next days, or weeks, counting down until my next eLyU trip.

There are those places that we fall in love with. La Union, how can I un-love you?

Friday, May 19, 2017

Tales from My Travels: Boatman

During my solo trip in Pangasinan, I went on a tour of the Hundred Islands National Park. For a solo traveler like me, tours like that were costly. They usually charge per boat and the more people there are in a group, the less you pay. I tried haggling but the fees where standard. At first, the tourism center offered that I could join a group if I wanted to spend less on the boat tour. I considered it at first but when I saw that the group was composed of mostly senior citizens, I had second thoughts. Not that I had something against old people, but I felt like they weren't the type who'd go on side activities. When the boatman in-charge of this group informed me that they only wanted to tour the islands, then I declined. I had a few activities in mind like cliff-jumping, snorkeling, and riding the zip line. So I ended up renting a boat on my own.

It was where I met kuya Ray. He was a middle-aged man who worked as a boatman or operator of one of those wooden bangkas that they use to tour travelers in the islands. He didn't speak much unless I would ask him questions. Being the chatty and talkative person that I am, I still did my best to chat him up. Eventually, he told me his story. I learned that operating the boat is his only means of earning and making a living for his family. It was his way of life. He didn't even own the boat. So whatever money that he'd make out of a boat tour, he still had to split it with the boat owner. He said that it wasn't much but he still manages. He has two daughters who are still in school. He said that life was difficult but he's getting by and that he is happy with what he does, being able to meet different people through the boat tours. 

There are people in this world who are making an honest living with whatever resources, skills, and talents that they have. There are still people in this world who would rather work hard than resort to stealing and other ways of making easy money. There are people in this world who are simply happy and content selling their craft, which probably took a lot of time and effort to make with the little profit that it gives. 

And this is why I no longer haggle. It is a way of helping them out. These are the people who choose to look at what they have, count them as blessings and be happy with it, rather than look at what they don't have and feel discontent. These are the people who know the value of hard work and diligence. These are the people who give you your money's worth, not because of what they sell, but because of the good vibes and optimism that they bring. 

Which is why when a kid on the streets tries to sell you something which you are interested in buying, do not haggle. Your money could buy him his first meal of the day or could be his baon for the next day. Do not haggle, because you'll never know. If you can give them a small tip, then better. :)

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Tales from My Travels: Line-Up

It was morning. It was the start of a new day. I woke up, still hungover from partying the night before. As much as I would love to curl in bed some more, I knew that it was the perfect day to catch some waves. That and getting some much needed saltwater would definitely cure my hangover. So I hurriedly changed into my swimsuit, put on some sunblock, grabbed my rash guard, and made my way down to the beach.

That morning was perfect. The sun was up and the beach was already bustling with activities. Swimming, sunbathing, walking on the shore, taking photos and posing for photos, and having surfing lessons. I sat on the sand, sank my toes in it while feeling the hot sun on my skin. I loved every minute of it. I sat there watching the people going about their beach activities. 

After I while, I decided to grab a board and walked to the ocean. The moment I felt the waves kiss my feet, I knew I was home. I walked further until I was in waist-deep waters. The water was cool but not too cold. I got on the board and paddled my way to the line-up. The line-up is the spot in the ocean where the surfers literally line up to catch some waves. It's the spot where they wait for the wave that's perfect for them to ride. There were already many surfers that morning and I joined them, calling out hello's. We were all waiting for our turn, for our wave. 

You see, when the right wave comes along, you can see it from a distance. You anticipate it as it approaches you. And as it inches even closer, you feel the adrenaline rush. Now, you have to have that perfect timing so you can start paddling to move forward, then stand, and ride that wave all the way back to the shore. The ride may only last a few moments but there's nothing quite like the feeling of riding a wave. Sometimes, you will get wiped out but that's a part of it and to be honest, wipe-outs are fun as long as you don't get injured. Once the ride is over, then you get back on the board and make your way back to the line-up again, and then repeat.

In a way, life is like a huge line-up and waves are opportunities that just keep coming. There are some that you deliberately miss. There are some that you really want to ride, but you end up missing by accident. But when the timing is perfect, then you get to ride it. When you do, own it and relish the feeling. At first, it may be scary because you are in open water and you'll never know what's down there, but if you have guts, then you can conquer that fear. If you have guts and if the timing is perfect, you can take on any wave that life throws your way.

Monday, May 1, 2017

No Longer a Stranger

Dear you, 

Two months ago, you were a complete stranger that I just saw walking around and lugging a surfboard. You smiled at me, and I smiled back. Two months ago, you were a total stranger whom I had no intention of seeing again. As far as I was concerned, we had a couple of drinks, talked for a few hours, and bid our goodbyes the next day. And I thought that was it.

Until we talked again. We didn't talk about what transpired the night we met but we did talk about a lot of other things. You were leaving and you gave me a promise that I had no intention of holding on to. It was all too good to be true. I mean, why will you make promises to me? You are smart and funny, and you are easy on the eyes. Why would you be interested in me? Why? Why will you choose me out of all the other girls, far prettier and more interesting than I am, who were all clamoring for your attention? Why? I could never fathom.

But as weeks passed, we continue to talk and I learn something new about you every single day. You let me into your life and told me stories I'm certain you have never told anyone, except those who are really close to you. You told me about the skeletons in your closet, and I was sorry that I couldn't tell you mine at the time. You let me into your life and you told me about your hopes and dreams, and your fears. I am thankful for that, but I can't open up to you the way you did to me. At least not now. You have to understand that I am still learning to trust people again. I am still in the process of learning how to rely on people again. Because in my existence, people have, time and again, let me down and ended up hurting me.

I am that box with the label that says "handle with care", and inside is twenty-something years of heavy baggage collected over time - over dozens of disappointments, of rejections, of being let-down, of betrayal, and of heartbreak. 

When I met you, I was just getting out of one of the darkest points in my life. It was a difficult time for me and somehow your presence made it easier. Our conversations gave me a reason to smile every single day. You made me laugh. Now, you are giving me something to look forward to. But as much as I would love to believe everything you say, I still cannot. I will when I see it. You have to understand where I am coming from. 

As early as now, I am telling you that this won't be easy. Nothing is ever easy in life. But if you are in it for the long haul, then thank you. If not, then no worries. People come and go, and that's a fact that I have already accepted. When we met, I expected never to see you or speak to you again after that night, yet here we are, riding on this huge wave called "life" on different time zones. The rule is that we meet, and then go back to being strangers again. You staying in my life is the exception. So if your promises turn out to be too good to be true, then it's okay. It's just the rule.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Not a Love Letter

Dear you,

It's been roughly four months. How are you? I hope you are doing just fine, and I don't mean that sarcastically. I mean it. Period.

Me? I'm good. I am still out of a job but other than that, I'm good. I'm physically healthy, financially okay, and I have better skin than I've had in months. I needed to mention that because I felt that my skin problems were stress-related. Maybe that's because I am no longer as stressed out as I used to be. No need to go into details, you know how it is with my previous job, right? I'm good, as in I'm happy that I got to tick a lot of items in my bucket list. Since I have a lot more time for other things than I used to. Emotionally? It's safe enough to say that I am getting there. I no longer cry whenever I think of you. I am no longer angry at you. I see your name popping up in our group chats and I no longer feel the urge to hurl my phone at the wall. Occasionally, I even smile whenever I remember our adventures. 

An adventure. That's what you are. I guess, in some ways more than one, the people in our lives are like adventures. They bring us different experiences. They make us feel different emotions. Some excite us, some make us happy, some make us sad, and some are simply just adventures that we wish we never took. You are all of those I've mentioned, except for the last one. Don't let this get to your head, but I am glad that I have known you. Yes, you've hurt me but then again, people hurt us all the time, intentionally or otherwise. It's just that the extent of the hurt people have brought into our lives vary. And the length of the healing process varies as well. 

For you, it's roughly four months. It would have taken longer had I wallowed in misery. More importantly, it would have taken longer had it not been for the people who were there for me along the way. Some of them are people I've known for years - I'm grateful for them being a constant in my life. Some of them are people I've met during my travels - I'm hoping that my path would cross with theirs again. And some of them, surprisingly, are people that I have met through you - and that is something that I am extremely thankful to you for. If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have met them. And this is why I will never, ever regret knowing you. So thank you.

I guess that's it. I really have nothing more to say, except stay healthy and good luck on your endeavors. 


Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Tales from My Travels: Souvenirs and Room Rentals

I sat on the table eating my breakfast of instant noodles and crackers. I was getting ready to go on my tour. The old woman who owns the house sat with me, watching wistfully. I offered her some food and she politely declined saying that she already had breakfast. I smiled at her.

I asked her how long she has been renting out the rooms in the house. She said that she and her husband have been opening their doors to travelers for a few years now. She said that they started out by making key chain souvenirs and selling them to tourists. But it wasn't enough so they decided to rent out the rooms to travelers so they can make more money. She said that it was still barely enough because most tourists would only visit during weekends. Then she told me more.

She told me that she and her husband have six children who are now all grown-ups. She told me about how the eldest one went on a different path and chose to stop studying. He ended up being unemployed for quite some time before ending up with a job at a construction site. She said that he brought her lots of disappointments. She told me about how kids numbers two through five have all completed their studies and are now working in their chosen fields. One of them is a teacher at the nearby public school. One of them works as an engineer in a province south of Luzon and that he only comes home about one to two times a year. She told me that she already has grandchildren. She told me about her youngest being the only one left studying. He only has one more year of education left. She told me about how her eldest regretted not finishing his studies. She told me about how glad she was that he learned from his mistakes.

She told me about their struggles in life. She told me about how she and her husband had to work hard on a very minimal income just to be able to feed their children and put them through school. She said that they had a very difficult life and that it brings her happiness to see her children all grown-up and successful despite everything that their family has been through. She said it with a proud smile on her face and tears in her eyes.

Listening to her stories, I tried to hold back tears. I studied the wrinkles on her face which showed how the years passed and how they molded her into this strong woman in front of me, albeit aged. And I thought to myself how tough and resilient she must be to be able to survive everything that they have been through. Then the tour guide came to pick me up and I felt kind of sorry that our conversation was over. I wanted to hear more of her stories.

Later that day as I was leaving and bidding my host goodbye, I felt kind of sad. Her home was my home for one night and she showed me nothing but sincere hospitality. She handed me something and when I looked at it, I saw that it was a key chain. I tried to refuse it because I know that these key chains are her source of income, apart from the room rentals. She insisted and told me that it was something for me to remember them by. So that the next time I visit, I will still choose to stay at their home. I smiled, and tried to hold back tears as I attached the key chain to my wallet. Upon leaving, I vowed that I will definitely come back.

Monday, March 27, 2017

Tales from My Travels: Perfect Stranger

I met you at the dimly lit common area of the hostel that we were both staying in. I was in conversation with my friend and a fellow traveler that we both just met. I was chugging a bottle of beer and you approached us holding a cup half-filled with hard liquor. You said "hi" to the traveler as you already knew each other. You introduced yourself and we did the same. Then you joined us in our conversation.

After a few minutes into it, you challenged us to a game of Jenga. And so we played, all four of us. It was my second time to play Jenga. That tipsy feeling and a game where one needed steady hands - it wasn't a good combination. Yet for some reason, I was actually doing pretty well. We were having lots of laughs. The game ended with my friend losing. She then excused herself to go somewhere. The other guy excused himself to go to the restroom. Then you left to who-knows-where. I was suddenly left alone.

I tried to busy myself by shuffling some playing cards. Then you came back shortly holding a bottle of rum. You asked me if I wanted to play a drinking game, and I said yes. But I didn't know any drinking games and neither did you. You suggested playing some card games instead, but you only knew Poker. So I ended up teaching you how to play a different card game. As expected, I won the first round. We then played another round. In the middle of it, you suddenly leaned in and kissed me on the lips. It was light and quick. I was taken by surprise. We then stared into each other's eyes and then your face drew closer. Then you kissed me again, this time longer. It was slow, sweet, and gentle. Your lips were soft and they tasted sweet. I kissed you back. And then we stopped playing cards.

You lied down on one of the bean bags and pulled me in to lie beside you. You snuggled closer and wrapped your arms around me. Then we started talking. You talked about your life, your job, your trips with your mom. I told you about how I quit my job and how I went on a backpacking trip. You saw my tattoos and I told you what they meant. You listened. I loved how you hung on to my every word with pure interest and how you look deep into my eyes while I was talking.

Shortly, your friends came over to join us. They were drunk. They were laughing and dancing and acting crazy. They were a hoot. We continued to talk, as if we had our own little world. But they eventually interrupted us and we joined the party downstairs. We grabbed a spot on one of the woven mats with cushions and we sat with several people. It was a fun crowd and it seemed like you were the center of it. Everybody kept approaching you and trying talk to you. They kept giving you drinks. A couple of girls had their eyes on you, and they were touching your arm and trying to get your attention. It was obvious that you were used to the attention that people were showering you. What can I say? You draw the crowd the way honey drew bees in. Yet  not once did you make me feel left out. You kept your arms wrapped around me the whole time. Even when girls were trying to flirt with you. You would touch my hair, kiss my shoulders, and entwine your fingers with mine. It made me feel special. You told me that everything about that night was magic.

Eventually the party ended. People started leaving. Fellow hostel guests were going to the dormitories, the hosts began to clean up, and once again, you entrapped me in our own world. The night was over but it wasn't, at least not for us. We talked more. We told each other more stories. We kissed and cuddled some more. And I found myself wishing that the Earth would stop turning, and that the clocks would stop ticking. I found myself wishing that the night would never end. I found myself wishing that tomorrow would never come. Because tomorrow I'd have to leave. I found myself wishing to never have to bid you goodbye.

But a girl can only wish. And not all wishes come true. We fell asleep in each other's arms, lost in our own little world with reality just a few hours away. We woke up to the day that I was dreading - the day that I would have to leave paradise. Hour passed. Finally, we said our farewells. And I left with a heavy heart not knowing if I would ever see you again. But more importantly, I left with memories of a magical night that will forever last. A night that will never be tarnished with bad memories because everything about it made me smile. It was bittersweet.

Thank you for that night. 'Til the day our paths cross again, stranger.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Realizations of a Nomad by Heart

Two weeks ago, I went on a ten-day solo backpacking trip heading to the North of Luzon. My schedule and the provinces I was going to visit were carefully planned. My itineraries were not. I just made them up as I went along.

You see, I just got out of a six-year relationship with my job and recently cut ties with some toxic people in my life. It was tough getting both out of my system. They were both not unlike bad habits that were hard to break. It was tough because in both aspects of my life, I was leaving my comfort zone.

I did not know what I wanted to achieve on my solo trip. Initially, I just felt like I needed a break from all the toxicity in my life, and going on a solo backpacking trip seemed like a good idea. I never imagined that I would gain so much from the experience. 

I got to try new stuff for the first time, like jumping off a cliff. I was never afraid of heights but jumping into deep waters, plunging into the unknown, was something that I found a little bit scary and I conquered that. I also rekindled my love for things that I have already tried. Like surfing. There's simply nothing like the rush that you feel when you're riding a wave. You have to try it to understand what I mean. Now, it's starting to become one of my favorite sports.

I got to see and discover new places. For quite some time now, I've been wanting to go to certain places. I had the means to it but there was always something holding me back; be it my schedule, conflicts with other activities, or some people. Because I was on my own, there was nothing to hold me back. I went wherever I wanted to go and I didn't have any regrets.

I got to meet new people. I got to hear their life stories, which made me realize that a lot of people have struggles far worse than my own and that I still have a lot to be thankful for. I got to hear their stories of suffering and survival, which made me admire them for their resilience. Their stories touched my heart. I also made new friends with the fellow travelers that I have met.

Speaking of people... I learned more about people, in general. That there are people who will use you and treat you differently once they know that they can no longer get anything from you. Those are the people we need to stay away from. That there are people who change for the worst. Those are the people who are in dire need of help. We can only try and do so much but if all else fails, then it is best to let them go. That there are people whom, regardless of the short amount of time you've known them, can make you feel at ease. Those are the people who could potentially be a bigger part of our lives. That there are people who will choose to hear your side before giving you any judgment and accept you for who you are. Those are simply good people that we should never let go of. I learned that the people around us, while we may not be able to change them if we want to, still have the power to change, influence, and affect us. It is just up to us on how we will react. 

I got to make new memories. About half of the places I visited during my trip were places that I have been to before with some people in my past. There were not-so-good memories in there and I am glad that I returned to those places because I got to replace those memories with far far better ones. Now, these places are on my list of favorites.

I learned so many things during those ten days. But the most important takeaway that I got from this experience is that I learned that I can only go so far as I let myself. I learned that how far I can go is entirely up to me, and that the limits and boundaries that I have are only the ones that I have set for myself.

They say that traveling enables us to learn and discover more about the world and the people around us. But more than that, traveling enables us to learn and discover more about ourselves.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Two Letters

Dear you,

I already said what needs to be said. Again, just don't. Do not act as if you understand how I feel or what I am going through right now. Because you do not. You, of all people, do not have the right to empathize with me especially when you are a part of what's causing me pain. It is not your fault and you were never the one to blame, but stop defending the one who is. No matter what you say, nothing will ever make his actions right. Do not add insult to injury by apologizing on his behalf and explaining his side. Do not encourage cowardice by defending his actions. Only he can be held accountable for what he has done. 

So again, do not wish for us to be civil with one another. Do not make such requests. You have no right to do so, or to ask that from me. Maybe in time. 

And you,

After all that you have done to me and after all that I have done for you, you have no right to be angry at me. I am entitled to act based on how I feel because of what you did. Stop being immature and putting the blame on me. Accept that you were the one at fault. Accept your mistakes. Accept that you were one selfish and insensitive person who only cares about himself. 

I don't hate you but I resent what you did. I only hope for your own sake that you will not do the same to others.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

My Last Words to My Almost

I love you. There, I said it. I love you. I love you in every sense of the word. I loved you before. I loved you from that very first night. And I still love you up until now.

I love your wit. I love your humor. I love how you never fail to make me laugh and I love that I could do the same for you. I love your laugh and I love hearing it. I love listening to you talk about your passions. I love how passionate you are about the things you do. 

I am sorry. For those times that I have made you angry and uncomfortable, I am so sorry. I am sorry that this had to happen to us. I am sorry that we had to drift apart. For quite some time, I thought you were the one. I envisioned our future together, still doing what we are most passionate about. I imagined us traveling to places we both have never been. I envisioned us, hand in hand, reaching more summits together. I even saw myself leaving the city, my comfort zone, just to be with you. Yes, I understood that you were not ready for a commitment because you said so yourself. I respected that, yet I imagined that when the time comes that you would be ready, it would be with me. That I would be the one. And apparently, I was very much mistaken. And there is nothing I can do but to accept that and move on.

At this point, I want to thank you. Thank you for the adventures that you took me on. Thank you for listening to my stories, rants, and raves. Thank you for helping me realize my hopes and dreams. Thank you for the times that you made me smile and laugh. Thank you for those times that you were there for me when I felt like nobody else was. Thank you for being my support system. Thank you for believing in me when I was losing confidence in myself. Thank you for letting me into your world and for existing in mine.

I just want to tell you that I will be okay. Right now, I am trying to get my life together. I am at a most vulnerable point where I am letting go of all my comfort zones one by one: my job, the city, you. You have been there for me when I needed someone to talk to because you made me feel that I could tell you anything. At some point last year, I even felt as if my day would not be complete without talking to you. I miss talking to you, but I guess I have to get used to it. I am going through a difficult time with all the changes happening in my life and it sucks that I cannot tell you about it. But I will be okay. Maybe not that soon, but eventually I will be.

I hope that one day we will find ourselves back in each other's lives with all the bitterness gone, and just the sweet memories left. I know that at some point, we both made each other happy. You said yourself that you want to remain friends with me. Believe me when I say that I want the same thing, but not now. Definitely not now when I am still hurting and the wounds are still fresh. I need more time.

Yes, you have hurt me and caused me so much pain, and I am still mad at you, but this too shall pass. Know that I could never ever hate you, and I could never hold a grudge against you. And know that I wish you nothing but success in your endeavors and happiness in life.