Sunday, July 2, 2017

Grey

I can't remember the last time that I cried because of something that directly happened to me. I can't remember how it felt to cry because something bad or unfortunate happened to me. The last time that I cried was about ten minutes ago and it is because of this TV series that I was watching. I cried because it made me felt things.

Very recently, there was someone who confessed his feelings for me. He was a really nice guy. He was a gentleman, kind, and very patient, and the type of guy one would feel bad about hurting. I rejected him and I didn't regret it, however, I felt really bad that I hurt him. 

Weird thing is I rejected him because I didn't want to be attached to anyone. I can still vaguely remember the last time that I was emotionally attached to another human being, and there were good sides and bad sides to it. I cannot remember the good sides. All I can remember are the bad ones. And I did not like it. And somehow, knowing that I do not like being attached to someone kinda scares me.

It is human nature to constantly look for a companion. To find someone to be with. To find someone who would be with us through thick and thin. Yet, here I am moving against that human nature by slowly cutting all ties that I have with other humans. I hate the feeling of dependency. I do not want to depend on another person and feeling as if I won't thrive without them. I do not want other people causing my happiness or loneliness. I resent the feeling of being tied down to someone and being restricted. Attachment feels like imprisonment for me, and I need my freedom as trees need oxygen to live. Attachments and commitments tend to suffocate me, and nobody really likes the feeling of being suffocated. 

Yes, I have my family and friends, but I think I can get by just co-existing with them without having any emotional attachment. I want to be able to go freely to wherever I want to go without the thought of leaving them haunting me. 

It's been half a year since I started cutting emotional ties with people. It started out as an excruciatingly difficult task but it becomes easier the more people I metaphorically eliminate in my circle. It has been half a year since I started closing my walls to everyone and I haven't shed a tear since. The only tears I shed were because of things as mundane as TV shows, movies, and books. I like crying because of these little things because somehow, they remind me that I am still human. That I am not a spineless creature incapable of emotions. I am just someone who is protecting her own.

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